Mantras of My 6-Month-Old Son

Nate's Mantras1. If you’re not fed within 5 minutes of waking up, you’ll DIE

2. The best playtime happens between 2 & 4 am

3. Peeing prior to my mom getting the diaper on is the spice of life

4. Tolerating a car seat requires a delicate balance of ideal temperatures, unlimited pacifiers, & constant motion

5. There’s something therapeutic about spitting up on a freshly cleaned onesie

6. 5 star meals are best served with a tantrum

7. Never stop improving: if your personal record for soiling bibs in a 24-hour period is 10, try for 12 tomorrow

8. Consistency is the antichrist

9. New couches & burp rags are interchangeable

10. The best things in life are free (purchase an expensive swing for my entertainment & I’ll spend 3 hours playing with an old washcloth)

11. Always reject the first 5 toys and/or books that are offered

12. Public places are for flaunting my proficiency in prolonged whining & bloodcurdling screaming

13. I have a natural aptitude for causing alarm when stand-in caretakers are present

14. The atmosphere most conducive to a gigantic bowel movement is a restaurant unequipped with a changing table

15. Overhearing a chore in progress signals the end of quiet, independent time

16. Bathtime is code for swallow as much dirty water as possible

17. Never settle for anything less than perfect: a bottle of milk 1 degree too hot or cold is undrinkable

18. Diaper changing time doubles as baby karate time

19. In order for a pacifier to best serve my needs it must be the most annoying & laborious type to clean

20. If there’s a diaper surplus I’ve failed as a son


2 thoughts on “Mantras of My 6-Month-Old Son

  1. #18 – my daughter provides a great work out for me when she refuses to have hers changed. Or get dressed. Or help getting over a meltdown. Or getting her into her car seat. Or getting picked up when she’s discovered playing in the toilet water.

    Like

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